A couple days ago, the maintenance light lit up and it was time for an oil change.  Being fed up with Jiffy Lube, especially since they are known for scamming customers by giving cheap motor oil when customers paid for synthetic, I decided to change my own oil.  After all, I changed the oil for my previous cars.  Today, I got up early in the morning trying to look for the jack.  I happened to stumble across a photo of my dad graduating from college. Having a keepsake of my dad means a lot. When he was alive, he gave me all his basketball trophies.  Back then, I was an unappreciative brat, I probably threw out his trophies because I didn't care for it.  Once he passed, I wished I could go back in time to keep his trophies.

After realizing my jack could not lift the CRV, I decided to go take the oil, oil/air filters to Mission Lube Express.  I showed up an hour before the shop opens, the owner suggested that I should get breakfast to kill time.  Since I have an hour to kill, I decided to drive down Valley Blvd to Tasty Garden.  The waiter gave me a menu and I was shocked that under chef's special, the restaurant has a item with iced tea in a bucket of ice for $3.50.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking how the restaurant used cheap gimmicks to make money.

During breakfasts at Chinese cafes, I typically order steak and sunny side up eggs.  Growing up, having steaks was a treat.  At Chinese cafes, iced teas are complimentary.  When having a sip of the iced tea, I began thinking how the iced tea was a treat from heaven.  Strangely enough, every time I take a sip from the iced tea, I picture myself in a tropical island relaxing in a hammock.


 

Talking to Terry, he noted a couple of things:

• Writing helps.
• Being you, don't try to be anyone else.
• Things happen for a reason.

Two days of not living with mother was a great feeling.  Having freedom is such a great feeling.  I can not stand living with a person who controls my life, a person who constantly belittles and constantly nags.  I can feel my body tensing up every time she has something negative to say.  Today, she complained how it was not her fault for gnats in the kitchen especially since she was not home for two days.  Granted that may be true but the kitchen has a lot of moldy, rotten foods in the refrigerator, table, counter, floor.  Living with her is a toxic environment.  I hate how she constantly badgers, nags, and belittles.

While looking for some writing topics to assess one of my students, I came across this website:

http://www.ereadingworksheets.com/writing/narrative-essay-topics-and-story-ideas/

One of the topics I plan on giving to my students is how some people avoid challenges while others see them as opportunities to grow.  

I have a soft spot for Italian cuisine, the bits of meat swimming in the sweet tomato sauce and of course the oozing, cheesy goodness. When Chef had an Italian cooking class available, I took the bull by its horns and signed up.  At cooking class, everyone was given the opportunity to make fresh pasta from scratch.  As chef was demonstrating how to knead the pasta, I thought to myself that making pasta was a piece of cake.  I followed Chef's steps of making a flour well and incorporating the egg into the well.  When it was time to add the water, I added a lot of water til the point where the mixed ingredient was gooey and watery.  Unsure with myself, I showed Chef my ball of dough and was instructed to make another batch but with not as much water.  Rather than giving up, I decided to give a crack with a second attempt, I repeated the same procedure in making a flour well and placing the egg in the middle.  This time, I added not enough water.  I was intent on making the perfect pasta.  My third attempt had the right amount of water but I over-kneaded the dough.  The dough became dry. My fourth attempt in making the dough ball had the right elasticity, its what the Chef said the dough bouncing back when you poke at  it.  At that moment in time, I was on top of the world.

I wonder if there is a way to check the amount of pesticides in vegetables that is accessible for the general public.  I was reading Men's Health and there is an article that discussed organic and non-organic vegetables.  Apparently, strawberries, apples, celery, spinach, tomatoes, bell peppers, and cucumbers are on the dirty list.   When some of my favorite fruits and vegetables listed on the Environmental Working Grouping's Dirty Dozen list, I have two options: consume less or disregard the article. Even though, I am even contemplating about this. Maybe, I should just be grateful that I have access to food.

Everyday in the classroom, I feel like there is so many things to do and very little time.  The pressure cooker in my body is boiling. In the back of my mind, I always feel I am not a good teacher. Providing an explicit lesson that captures students' engagement lingers in my mind.  The feeling of failure is not just in the classroom, its in my everyday life how I'm 35 still living at home. Living in a prison called home, I do not have a voice to address any concerns like discarding dated newspapers or expired meat with fungus.  The simple solution is to throw away the pieces of crap but when the warden yells, belittles you for throwing away these items, or throws a tantrum, I get the feeling of helplessness.

Gum drops and empty promises.

When I look in the mirror, I see gum drops and empty promises.

I have every intention of getting up at 4 in the morning or working out on a daily basis, I haven't been following through.

 At this moment, I am a hot mess especially when it comes to teaching. Take yesterday, I had to ask my colleague for a copy of the Smarter Balance classroom activity as I misplaced my copy that was given. 

I'm thankful I had a chance to work out before I had my dose of food poisoning.

Yesterday, I talked to Elizabeth in hopes to get resources for science since I will be starting at the new school soon.  She then told me that I need to show up to work instead of going to jury duty.  She meant I could always postpone jury duty.  Sure enough, I took her advice.  For the next hour and a half, I had anxiety attacks.  It felt like my heart was about to burst out.   My anxiety lowered when I talked to Katje, she told me that I need to be like the road to Buddha.  She told me that a guy left his town, came up to Buddha and asked him about the town. The Buddha answered how was your town before?  The man said his town was horrible. "Well then, this town is also horrible."  Another man comes up to the Buddha and asks about the town.  The Buddha then asks how was is old town?  The another man responded that it was a pleasant town, everybody was helpful, they would give their shirt off their backs.

From what I get from Buddha, life is what you make of it.  There are no positives, no negatives, it's what you make of it.

Happiness

Happiness begins with myself.

Today at work, I felt an all time low. One of my second grade student was fixated how she lost her pencil.  I offered to give one of my pencil and told her all the pencils are the same.  She started crying and throwing pencil shavings on the floor. Students began feeding off her negative energy.
I felt like I was a failure since I have no classroom management.

Talking over with Jamie, I was telling her I was thinking about changing schools or careers.  She then told me that I need to be happy within myself.  Our discussion resonated with a poster how successful people are and unsuccessful people are.

Green Grass

I was complaining to Terry about how the grass was greener on the other side, how everyone seemed to be successful (being in a relationship, owning a house, being able to travel). I also noted how the girl I went out on a date was not interested in going out with me.  Initially, I felt rejected, the truth is that I need to work on my body language and aura conveyed negative energy.


I had a self realization that I should do things that make me happy. An abstract concept and at this moment, I have a difficult time grasping abstract concepts, I figured I should come up with a list that makes me happy.  Having trouble listing, I decided to use the Internet to come up with possible activities that I would enjoy.  It came down to being around nature, kayaking, and cooking.


Terry also pointed out that a possible reason why the date might not be interested in going out with me is how I have a lack of empathy, how I do not have a connection with the other person.  Trying to visualize myself in others' situations and being curious about the other person is an essential foundation to strengthen my empathy skills.

Hearing about Tai Yen, how he spent Thanksgiving by himself, I began thinking I could end up like him when I get to his age. Tai, a 52 year old man who has been unemployed for at least 4 years refuses to work on himself (physically, job opportunities, living situation, goals). I felt inspired, after all, my life is what I make out of it.   I can either feel sorry about life or do something about it. If I do not work on myself, I will end up like Tai.

Today is a new day, a fresh start. My lawn has an abundant of blooming tulips. Today, I am glad Terry talked about my recurring issues. I am grateful to have friends that look out for me.

My perspective...

Today was not a zen today, it was sheer chaos.

From my point of view, I saw and heard Janice telling mother to take her (mother's) bowl to kitchen.  Janice is afraid the bowl might attract cockroaches.  Mother ignored Janice.  When Janice told mother to get the bowl, mother got two butcher knives and decided to bring the knives to the living room and threw them on the ground.  

She then blames us both especially me for not allowing her to talk.  The thing is that, I tell her to be quiet when she belittles me.  There was a time, when I told her that I needed the kitchen to be cleaned so I can start my cooking business,  She doubted I should start a culinary business.  That's when I told her to keep her opinions to herself.  In today's instance, she brought back how I do not allow her to talk.

Mother threatens to move out.  She has a way to belittle us, even when she's threatening to move out. 

While feeding Janice medicine, Janice told me mother is still using Janice's credit card to pay for her own expenses even when Janice is not working.  Its really frustrating living with a person who belittles you, who hoards, and a person who spends your money.

Epic proportions.

"Mother of the Lifetime"
moldy fridge. defensive. criticizing how my friends influence me, they don't know shit. Asian redneck. Her reins of Oppression and Obedience equates to being a good son.

Storytelling

All I could think about was the storytelling class.  Eat, sleep, storytelling.  Ok, maybe its not to the extend but I was and am excited about the storytelling class, a class that I signed up for in hopes of being a good communicator especially when from what it seems girls are attracted to guys who can communicate.  Driving an hour in traffic, I felt like Neo from Matrix..excited, antsy to whether which pill (road) to take.  If I take the blue pill, the story ends, I wake up in bed at the age of 80 living by myself but if I were to take the red pill, I could possibly see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Not sure where the rabbit hole goes, I passed by the location twice.  Finally coming to the realization that the storytelling class was on the other side of the street.  I parked my car by the residential area, seeing that the parking lot was like a Chinese supermarket's parking lot.

As I was walking to the class, I noticed a trendy coffee house, the ones you can have study sessions or take a girl out on a date.  The tangerine walls and the lights in the shop reminds of Saute Culinary Academy how its warm and welcoming.

At class, we introduced ourselves and gave a three minute speech about our names.  It appears everyone in the class mentioned how they initially hated their names.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking maybe we should change the title of the class to "I hate my names" Club. A three minute drill was like pulling teeth.  My heart was pounding fast and my mental filter was on.  I told how my name came from my grandfather's initial and how I cringe when people butcher my name from Phil-lip or Phillips. I told the class that I was sensitive to people emphasizing the "lip" in Phil-lip since I had nigga lips (or what Ken describes dick sucking lips).

We listened to some stories on the instructor's iPad.  I'm feeling antsy (it's not that I was excited) but sitting in old matinee theater seats was not comfortable.  The wooden backing, the carpet seating, I felt confined, I had to cross my legs constantly to make the seating more comfortable.  I was so tempted to take off my shoes and sit cross-legged on the seat.  Only problem is that I have to take off my shoes. As my mind drifted back and forth from listening the stories, I became fixated on the cookies by the water bottles.  I could imagine the sweet, chewy goodness bringing an orgasmic sensation.

The instructor sensed it was time for break so I decided to head over to the coffee shop for some food.  The instructor gave us another 3 minute drill of favorite shoes.  I completely froze, I started touching my face, and could not think of anything to say.  When the time was up, the instructor gave me a hug and said freezing is a gift.  She mentioned that I should acknowledge that I am freezing and just say things without a filter (even if its how I hate speaking in public).

She then gave us acronym.

Theme: why does it matter,

Arc: who are you at the beginning and who are at the end.

Stakes: why should I care, what is the risk, (how is

Honestly, tell the truth

Ending, know your ending, be clear with your ending. If you get lost,

Memorize the last line.

For those reading, you are probably thinking why I actually paid for this bullshit when you have been nailing this over my head dozens of times or maybe I should not pay for a class when I can't afford it.  This class seems interesting, more interesting that the Pick Up bullshit.  This class so far, works on honest occurrences and not worrying about people think.

The instructor noted that I should not care what other people think, she gave us another 3 minute drill.  And this time, it was "The first time..." I spoke about the first time I made pasta how even though there are 3 main ingredients to making pasta, I fucked up the process numerous times.  Either adding too much water which makes the pasta gooey or not enough water which had a lot of floury residue.  The instructor was impressed with my story, her Scottish origin wanted to throw her phone at me for a job well done.  If Scottish tradition is to congratulate with violence, I hate to imagine how Scottish will be like when they are pissed off.  Then again, I would be nice to imagine a sober Scottish.
  

October 22, 2015

• It's frustrating working with my kids but I have no one to blame except myself.  The kids are constantly interrupting with their smart ass remarks.  Unmotivated + Bad Attitude = A well deserved spanking.  Back in my days, the feather duster would whip me into shape physically and psychologically. We  as children treated our elders with respect not like today with their smut mouths.
• Jasmin curry
• During cooking class, it was pleasant. The kids were into learning, I was willing to provide them feedback on how to use their knives.  
• Fonuts, Going in for a purpose, getting a new purpose.
• Pissed off with Terry.
• Hey there Dylah

When I watched Ted 2, I realized that I am living a bull shit life. Mark's character is me on the screen. I either don'r follow through, half-ass things, or have been doing things that have been bullshit.

Many moons ago, I watched an episode of reality show "The Bachelor" and dreamed to be one of those guys who are physically attractive who gets to be in an ever-lasting relationship.  My perception of reality show romance faded as I watched how many of the "winners" are no longer in relationships.  Today, Princess told me that she was watching "The Bachelor," I was curious about the show so I decided to watch a few minutes of the show.
I was disturbed watching how the bachelor kisses many girls on the show.  My old-school mentality. What ever happen to being intimate with one person?

This weekend, perseverance was a reminder that I need to have in my life. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, one of my better traits is exuding perseverance.  Spending eight hours on the shooting range, learning different postures on how to shoot.  The staff applaud me for not giving up and sticking with the entire course.

That night, mother got stressed out about Janice and decided to leave the house for the night. Feeling stressed out about this situation, there was only one thing I could do...continue to take care of Janice.

The sick residue lingers in my body.  Dry coughs, chills, and congestion.  The best medicine one can prescribe is rest and plenty of it.  Even been sick, a man has to do take care of the family.  It began with Friday after work, I was starting to feel the under the weather bug inhibiting in me.  The long commute and the rain were a wonderful delight.  Knowing that I was sick, I would imagine my sister would catch the bug as well. So, after my commute, I decided to stop by the grocery store and make chicken soup for us.  Today, was just like Friday.  Even though I am sick, I still had to care for my mom and sister.

The universe has provided many opportunities to learn and grow. In most cases, I was not aware of the lessons or was not ready for the lesson to be internalized.


Today, I went to the professional development on Thinking Maps. One thing I took from the workshop was creating five impacts that have shaped who you are.

Today, I am grateful the universe has continued to provide me lessons that the things I say and do has a consequence.   

No one ever said the journey one has to take to better themselves is easy.  During this journey so far, I was not in the right state of mind.  Even though there is no possibility of getting together, my mind is playing tricks again. Hungry for love, I reminded my brain that everyday and every way, I love myself. The feeling for J disappears and the feeling of love is within.

Over the last couple of nights, my mind was playing the same scene over and over again.  That scene  lingered in my mind, wondering if I said the right thing.
After days of wondering if I said the right thing, I decided to turn to reflect on this blog, hopefully by doing so, I will internalize the life lesson learned.

I had feelings for J for the longest time.  She had it all, her physical beauty matching her internal beauty, a pleasant voice (especially when she sings), she is witty, down to earth girl, the type of girl I can see myself being with and above all, the type of girl your family would love.

At the time, J was in a relationship with a guy who took her for granted.  He did not spend time with her, he would spend time with his ex, running his business, watching MMA fights, or fixing his car.

Enough was enough, J decided to no longer be in the toxic relationship.

My journey for this lesson begins when I professed my feelings toward J. I should have realized that perhaps that was a hasty move, she was still healing from her recent break-up.  As classy as she is, she told me it was a bad timing that she is not ready to go out with a guy.

A month or two down the road, I decided to ask her out again. Again, she said it was bad timing.

Fast forward to another two months, I asked her about whether she sees a future with us and that there is a program to help 40 women bring in their Twin Flames/ Soul Mates/ Life Partners at the end of March. She said she does not see a future with us and wished me the best of luck in my endeavors. 

Learning from my past experiences, it appears that I was an overly-eager person much similar to a man serving time and his excitement for women. From this point on, I just need to take one day at a time, without thinking of getting married or any other expectations.  Getting married is a life-long commitment, one should not make hasty decisions.

• Continue to be friendly to everyone. Again, don't have expectations. If they want to hang, just be cool about it. If not, don't get hung up on it, I got things that I need to work on (work, working out, getting out of debt, reflecting). 
• When talking to people, conversation needs to have a purpose.  (Don't say things for the sake of saying things, it needs to either inform, entertain, or persuade. If talking does not serve a purpose, I don't need to disclose. Wanting people to feel good is the key).  
• Love comes within, not from external factors.
• Be compassionate toward another person (Refrain from judging, have an open mind and open heart)
• Give space to people (literally and figuratively), if they are attracted to you, they will move in.
• Trust in the universe.