My perspective...

Today was not a zen today, it was sheer chaos.

From my point of view, I saw and heard Janice telling mother to take her (mother's) bowl to kitchen.  Janice is afraid the bowl might attract cockroaches.  Mother ignored Janice.  When Janice told mother to get the bowl, mother got two butcher knives and decided to bring the knives to the living room and threw them on the ground.  

She then blames us both especially me for not allowing her to talk.  The thing is that, I tell her to be quiet when she belittles me.  There was a time, when I told her that I needed the kitchen to be cleaned so I can start my cooking business,  She doubted I should start a culinary business.  That's when I told her to keep her opinions to herself.  In today's instance, she brought back how I do not allow her to talk.

Mother threatens to move out.  She has a way to belittle us, even when she's threatening to move out. 

While feeding Janice medicine, Janice told me mother is still using Janice's credit card to pay for her own expenses even when Janice is not working.  Its really frustrating living with a person who belittles you, who hoards, and a person who spends your money.

Epic proportions.

"Mother of the Lifetime"
moldy fridge. defensive. criticizing how my friends influence me, they don't know shit. Asian redneck. Her reins of Oppression and Obedience equates to being a good son.

Storytelling

All I could think about was the storytelling class.  Eat, sleep, storytelling.  Ok, maybe its not to the extend but I was and am excited about the storytelling class, a class that I signed up for in hopes of being a good communicator especially when from what it seems girls are attracted to guys who can communicate.  Driving an hour in traffic, I felt like Neo from Matrix..excited, antsy to whether which pill (road) to take.  If I take the blue pill, the story ends, I wake up in bed at the age of 80 living by myself but if I were to take the red pill, I could possibly see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Not sure where the rabbit hole goes, I passed by the location twice.  Finally coming to the realization that the storytelling class was on the other side of the street.  I parked my car by the residential area, seeing that the parking lot was like a Chinese supermarket's parking lot.

As I was walking to the class, I noticed a trendy coffee house, the ones you can have study sessions or take a girl out on a date.  The tangerine walls and the lights in the shop reminds of Saute Culinary Academy how its warm and welcoming.

At class, we introduced ourselves and gave a three minute speech about our names.  It appears everyone in the class mentioned how they initially hated their names.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking maybe we should change the title of the class to "I hate my names" Club. A three minute drill was like pulling teeth.  My heart was pounding fast and my mental filter was on.  I told how my name came from my grandfather's initial and how I cringe when people butcher my name from Phil-lip or Phillips. I told the class that I was sensitive to people emphasizing the "lip" in Phil-lip since I had nigga lips (or what Ken describes dick sucking lips).

We listened to some stories on the instructor's iPad.  I'm feeling antsy (it's not that I was excited) but sitting in old matinee theater seats was not comfortable.  The wooden backing, the carpet seating, I felt confined, I had to cross my legs constantly to make the seating more comfortable.  I was so tempted to take off my shoes and sit cross-legged on the seat.  Only problem is that I have to take off my shoes. As my mind drifted back and forth from listening the stories, I became fixated on the cookies by the water bottles.  I could imagine the sweet, chewy goodness bringing an orgasmic sensation.

The instructor sensed it was time for break so I decided to head over to the coffee shop for some food.  The instructor gave us another 3 minute drill of favorite shoes.  I completely froze, I started touching my face, and could not think of anything to say.  When the time was up, the instructor gave me a hug and said freezing is a gift.  She mentioned that I should acknowledge that I am freezing and just say things without a filter (even if its how I hate speaking in public).

She then gave us acronym.

Theme: why does it matter,

Arc: who are you at the beginning and who are at the end.

Stakes: why should I care, what is the risk, (how is

Honestly, tell the truth

Ending, know your ending, be clear with your ending. If you get lost,

Memorize the last line.

For those reading, you are probably thinking why I actually paid for this bullshit when you have been nailing this over my head dozens of times or maybe I should not pay for a class when I can't afford it.  This class seems interesting, more interesting that the Pick Up bullshit.  This class so far, works on honest occurrences and not worrying about people think.

The instructor noted that I should not care what other people think, she gave us another 3 minute drill.  And this time, it was "The first time..." I spoke about the first time I made pasta how even though there are 3 main ingredients to making pasta, I fucked up the process numerous times.  Either adding too much water which makes the pasta gooey or not enough water which had a lot of floury residue.  The instructor was impressed with my story, her Scottish origin wanted to throw her phone at me for a job well done.  If Scottish tradition is to congratulate with violence, I hate to imagine how Scottish will be like when they are pissed off.  Then again, I would be nice to imagine a sober Scottish.
  

October 22, 2015

• It's frustrating working with my kids but I have no one to blame except myself.  The kids are constantly interrupting with their smart ass remarks.  Unmotivated + Bad Attitude = A well deserved spanking.  Back in my days, the feather duster would whip me into shape physically and psychologically. We  as children treated our elders with respect not like today with their smut mouths.
• Jasmin curry
• During cooking class, it was pleasant. The kids were into learning, I was willing to provide them feedback on how to use their knives.  
• Fonuts, Going in for a purpose, getting a new purpose.
• Pissed off with Terry.
• Hey there Dylah

When I watched Ted 2, I realized that I am living a bull shit life. Mark's character is me on the screen. I either don'r follow through, half-ass things, or have been doing things that have been bullshit.

Many moons ago, I watched an episode of reality show "The Bachelor" and dreamed to be one of those guys who are physically attractive who gets to be in an ever-lasting relationship.  My perception of reality show romance faded as I watched how many of the "winners" are no longer in relationships.  Today, Princess told me that she was watching "The Bachelor," I was curious about the show so I decided to watch a few minutes of the show.
I was disturbed watching how the bachelor kisses many girls on the show.  My old-school mentality. What ever happen to being intimate with one person?

This weekend, perseverance was a reminder that I need to have in my life. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, one of my better traits is exuding perseverance.  Spending eight hours on the shooting range, learning different postures on how to shoot.  The staff applaud me for not giving up and sticking with the entire course.

That night, mother got stressed out about Janice and decided to leave the house for the night. Feeling stressed out about this situation, there was only one thing I could do...continue to take care of Janice.

The sick residue lingers in my body.  Dry coughs, chills, and congestion.  The best medicine one can prescribe is rest and plenty of it.  Even been sick, a man has to do take care of the family.  It began with Friday after work, I was starting to feel the under the weather bug inhibiting in me.  The long commute and the rain were a wonderful delight.  Knowing that I was sick, I would imagine my sister would catch the bug as well. So, after my commute, I decided to stop by the grocery store and make chicken soup for us.  Today, was just like Friday.  Even though I am sick, I still had to care for my mom and sister.

The universe has provided many opportunities to learn and grow. In most cases, I was not aware of the lessons or was not ready for the lesson to be internalized.


Today, I went to the professional development on Thinking Maps. One thing I took from the workshop was creating five impacts that have shaped who you are.

Today, I am grateful the universe has continued to provide me lessons that the things I say and do has a consequence.   

No one ever said the journey one has to take to better themselves is easy.  During this journey so far, I was not in the right state of mind.  Even though there is no possibility of getting together, my mind is playing tricks again. Hungry for love, I reminded my brain that everyday and every way, I love myself. The feeling for J disappears and the feeling of love is within.

Over the last couple of nights, my mind was playing the same scene over and over again.  That scene  lingered in my mind, wondering if I said the right thing.
After days of wondering if I said the right thing, I decided to turn to reflect on this blog, hopefully by doing so, I will internalize the life lesson learned.

I had feelings for J for the longest time.  She had it all, her physical beauty matching her internal beauty, a pleasant voice (especially when she sings), she is witty, down to earth girl, the type of girl I can see myself being with and above all, the type of girl your family would love.

At the time, J was in a relationship with a guy who took her for granted.  He did not spend time with her, he would spend time with his ex, running his business, watching MMA fights, or fixing his car.

Enough was enough, J decided to no longer be in the toxic relationship.

My journey for this lesson begins when I professed my feelings toward J. I should have realized that perhaps that was a hasty move, she was still healing from her recent break-up.  As classy as she is, she told me it was a bad timing that she is not ready to go out with a guy.

A month or two down the road, I decided to ask her out again. Again, she said it was bad timing.

Fast forward to another two months, I asked her about whether she sees a future with us and that there is a program to help 40 women bring in their Twin Flames/ Soul Mates/ Life Partners at the end of March. She said she does not see a future with us and wished me the best of luck in my endeavors. 

Learning from my past experiences, it appears that I was an overly-eager person much similar to a man serving time and his excitement for women. From this point on, I just need to take one day at a time, without thinking of getting married or any other expectations.  Getting married is a life-long commitment, one should not make hasty decisions.

• Continue to be friendly to everyone. Again, don't have expectations. If they want to hang, just be cool about it. If not, don't get hung up on it, I got things that I need to work on (work, working out, getting out of debt, reflecting). 
• When talking to people, conversation needs to have a purpose.  (Don't say things for the sake of saying things, it needs to either inform, entertain, or persuade. If talking does not serve a purpose, I don't need to disclose. Wanting people to feel good is the key).  
• Love comes within, not from external factors.
• Be compassionate toward another person (Refrain from judging, have an open mind and open heart)
• Give space to people (literally and figuratively), if they are attracted to you, they will move in.
• Trust in the universe.