Yesterday, I talked to Elizabeth in hopes to get resources for science since I will be starting at the new school soon.  She then told me that I need to show up to work instead of going to jury duty.  She meant I could always postpone jury duty.  Sure enough, I took her advice.  For the next hour and a half, I had anxiety attacks.  It felt like my heart was about to burst out.   My anxiety lowered when I talked to Katje, she told me that I need to be like the road to Buddha.  She told me that a guy left his town, came up to Buddha and asked him about the town. The Buddha answered how was your town before?  The man said his town was horrible. "Well then, this town is also horrible."  Another man comes up to the Buddha and asks about the town.  The Buddha then asks how was is old town?  The another man responded that it was a pleasant town, everybody was helpful, they would give their shirt off their backs.

From what I get from Buddha, life is what you make of it.  There are no positives, no negatives, it's what you make of it.

Happiness

Happiness begins with myself.

Today at work, I felt an all time low. One of my second grade student was fixated how she lost her pencil.  I offered to give one of my pencil and told her all the pencils are the same.  She started crying and throwing pencil shavings on the floor. Students began feeding off her negative energy.
I felt like I was a failure since I have no classroom management.

Talking over with Jamie, I was telling her I was thinking about changing schools or careers.  She then told me that I need to be happy within myself.  Our discussion resonated with a poster how successful people are and unsuccessful people are.

Green Grass

I was complaining to Terry about how the grass was greener on the other side, how everyone seemed to be successful (being in a relationship, owning a house, being able to travel). I also noted how the girl I went out on a date was not interested in going out with me.  Initially, I felt rejected, the truth is that I need to work on my body language and aura conveyed negative energy.


I had a self realization that I should do things that make me happy. An abstract concept and at this moment, I have a difficult time grasping abstract concepts, I figured I should come up with a list that makes me happy.  Having trouble listing, I decided to use the Internet to come up with possible activities that I would enjoy.  It came down to being around nature, kayaking, and cooking.


Terry also pointed out that a possible reason why the date might not be interested in going out with me is how I have a lack of empathy, how I do not have a connection with the other person.  Trying to visualize myself in others' situations and being curious about the other person is an essential foundation to strengthen my empathy skills.

Hearing about Tai Yen, how he spent Thanksgiving by himself, I began thinking I could end up like him when I get to his age. Tai, a 52 year old man who has been unemployed for at least 4 years refuses to work on himself (physically, job opportunities, living situation, goals). I felt inspired, after all, my life is what I make out of it.   I can either feel sorry about life or do something about it. If I do not work on myself, I will end up like Tai.

Today is a new day, a fresh start. My lawn has an abundant of blooming tulips. Today, I am glad Terry talked about my recurring issues. I am grateful to have friends that look out for me.

My perspective...

Today was not a zen today, it was sheer chaos.

From my point of view, I saw and heard Janice telling mother to take her (mother's) bowl to kitchen.  Janice is afraid the bowl might attract cockroaches.  Mother ignored Janice.  When Janice told mother to get the bowl, mother got two butcher knives and decided to bring the knives to the living room and threw them on the ground.  

She then blames us both especially me for not allowing her to talk.  The thing is that, I tell her to be quiet when she belittles me.  There was a time, when I told her that I needed the kitchen to be cleaned so I can start my cooking business,  She doubted I should start a culinary business.  That's when I told her to keep her opinions to herself.  In today's instance, she brought back how I do not allow her to talk.

Mother threatens to move out.  She has a way to belittle us, even when she's threatening to move out. 

While feeding Janice medicine, Janice told me mother is still using Janice's credit card to pay for her own expenses even when Janice is not working.  Its really frustrating living with a person who belittles you, who hoards, and a person who spends your money.

Epic proportions.

"Mother of the Lifetime"
moldy fridge. defensive. criticizing how my friends influence me, they don't know shit. Asian redneck. Her reins of Oppression and Obedience equates to being a good son.

Storytelling

All I could think about was the storytelling class.  Eat, sleep, storytelling.  Ok, maybe its not to the extend but I was and am excited about the storytelling class, a class that I signed up for in hopes of being a good communicator especially when from what it seems girls are attracted to guys who can communicate.  Driving an hour in traffic, I felt like Neo from Matrix..excited, antsy to whether which pill (road) to take.  If I take the blue pill, the story ends, I wake up in bed at the age of 80 living by myself but if I were to take the red pill, I could possibly see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Not sure where the rabbit hole goes, I passed by the location twice.  Finally coming to the realization that the storytelling class was on the other side of the street.  I parked my car by the residential area, seeing that the parking lot was like a Chinese supermarket's parking lot.

As I was walking to the class, I noticed a trendy coffee house, the ones you can have study sessions or take a girl out on a date.  The tangerine walls and the lights in the shop reminds of Saute Culinary Academy how its warm and welcoming.

At class, we introduced ourselves and gave a three minute speech about our names.  It appears everyone in the class mentioned how they initially hated their names.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking maybe we should change the title of the class to "I hate my names" Club. A three minute drill was like pulling teeth.  My heart was pounding fast and my mental filter was on.  I told how my name came from my grandfather's initial and how I cringe when people butcher my name from Phil-lip or Phillips. I told the class that I was sensitive to people emphasizing the "lip" in Phil-lip since I had nigga lips (or what Ken describes dick sucking lips).

We listened to some stories on the instructor's iPad.  I'm feeling antsy (it's not that I was excited) but sitting in old matinee theater seats was not comfortable.  The wooden backing, the carpet seating, I felt confined, I had to cross my legs constantly to make the seating more comfortable.  I was so tempted to take off my shoes and sit cross-legged on the seat.  Only problem is that I have to take off my shoes. As my mind drifted back and forth from listening the stories, I became fixated on the cookies by the water bottles.  I could imagine the sweet, chewy goodness bringing an orgasmic sensation.

The instructor sensed it was time for break so I decided to head over to the coffee shop for some food.  The instructor gave us another 3 minute drill of favorite shoes.  I completely froze, I started touching my face, and could not think of anything to say.  When the time was up, the instructor gave me a hug and said freezing is a gift.  She mentioned that I should acknowledge that I am freezing and just say things without a filter (even if its how I hate speaking in public).

She then gave us acronym.

Theme: why does it matter,

Arc: who are you at the beginning and who are at the end.

Stakes: why should I care, what is the risk, (how is

Honestly, tell the truth

Ending, know your ending, be clear with your ending. If you get lost,

Memorize the last line.

For those reading, you are probably thinking why I actually paid for this bullshit when you have been nailing this over my head dozens of times or maybe I should not pay for a class when I can't afford it.  This class seems interesting, more interesting that the Pick Up bullshit.  This class so far, works on honest occurrences and not worrying about people think.

The instructor noted that I should not care what other people think, she gave us another 3 minute drill.  And this time, it was "The first time..." I spoke about the first time I made pasta how even though there are 3 main ingredients to making pasta, I fucked up the process numerous times.  Either adding too much water which makes the pasta gooey or not enough water which had a lot of floury residue.  The instructor was impressed with my story, her Scottish origin wanted to throw her phone at me for a job well done.  If Scottish tradition is to congratulate with violence, I hate to imagine how Scottish will be like when they are pissed off.  Then again, I would be nice to imagine a sober Scottish.
  

October 22, 2015

• It's frustrating working with my kids but I have no one to blame except myself.  The kids are constantly interrupting with their smart ass remarks.  Unmotivated + Bad Attitude = A well deserved spanking.  Back in my days, the feather duster would whip me into shape physically and psychologically. We  as children treated our elders with respect not like today with their smut mouths.
• Jasmin curry
• During cooking class, it was pleasant. The kids were into learning, I was willing to provide them feedback on how to use their knives.  
• Fonuts, Going in for a purpose, getting a new purpose.
• Pissed off with Terry.
• Hey there Dylah